Growing up at 24

In these holidays like every other holiday, I become Jabba the Hutt. Speaking giberish and acting like a fat load, just eating and sleeping. I want to say “It’s the holidays!” and I am worth it, but that’s all a lie. I honestly only work at 40% of my capacity, if that. I can be bigger but I  just don’t understand how.

Getting on with it, I watch the whole series of twilight today. Don’t mock because I found a jewel in the circus. Bella the protagonist explained that she has decided her life and now all she has to do is live it.  Yesterday’s first plan of getting to know God better has started. I did say the start of the rosary. Kind of makes me feel better. Yay! Definitely need to do more though. Ok so the plan tomorrow is to make a plan. I need to decide on a life and then live it. It sounds slightly magical, like watching a waterfall in the morning.

Day one just ended and I’m sitting here with my hot chocolate. Ideally I would like to be not be sitting here at all, rather be tucked in bed at two in the morning. That got me thinking what do I want to become? What does everyone want to become? I don’t understand what is it that is going to motivate me? A person, a friend, a job or God?

Maybe that is what I need to learn first. Thinking about God gives me peace. So first thing to achieve is an understanding of God. Is that all I need?

So the plan is to first practice worshipping God. Rosary first thing in the morning and bible at night. That sounds like a good plan to me, what about you?

Every holiday I re-evaluate my life thinking I can transform into an ideal version of myself.  Year three of my second degree and no transformation has lasted. Like a rubber band I stretch my personality to touch the ideal but as soon as the holidays disappear I recoil to a version that only knows to survive.

As I turn 24 I approach adulthood. My mum would laugh if I told her I now think I’m at the horizon of adulthood. She will for the 1000th time remind me that at this age she was contemplating marriage, her mother was taking care of six kids and great grandma was taking care of twelve kids.

The problem with my transformation has always been that I don’t see why I need to change. A big part of me believes that I will end up having the same life my mum, grandma and great grandma had. They didn’t need to go through an extensive transformation so why should I? However, a voice in my head also reminds me that I don’t like the life my past mothers have lead. I want to be able to travel and be of service to people in need. Even if I have no one to leave behind as a legacy, I want to leave behind a thought that life isn’t for yourself or family, we should go beyond and consider the world our family.

So, a transformation is necessary, hopefully I’m not too late. I start today, this hour, this minute, this second, in hopes that one day this transformation may come in handy.